"What's Meant to Be, Will Be" Motto: Why I Disagree

Somebody that I follow tonight posted a somewhat angry, definitely bitter disagreement with the theory behind this phrase, and I have to say that I agree. Maybe I'm not as angry as she is, but that could be all relevant to a bad mood that she's in. Regardless - I've never had this way of thinking, and without ever considering why, never thought it could be a trusted way to live by. Sure, sometimes when the world is overwhelming and you feel like you've put an inordinate amount of energy into getting from one place to the next and made no progress, all your mind can handle anymore is to sit back and let things play out; you realize that you can't control the situation, or even affect it a bit, and that rather than pointlessly wasting energy trying to shape the outcome of a situation it is best to prepare for how to deal with whatever the outcome may be.

But really, I have to agree with this woman that living by "what's meant to be, will be" feels lazy, and gives no justification for being upset when things don't turn out the way that you want them to. This phrase is used with dreams, goals, careers, etc. and for those instances it is more obvious that you can't sit back and let things happen. Because you know what will happen? You likely won't achieve it, because you didn't put the work in. That's an obvious one. But so many people use this phrase in the context of relationships - and it drives me crazy. Relationships take work, and effort, and time, and patience. They do not just happen, they do not just thrive, they do not exist without some extent of give and take for each other, and they do not last simply because they are meant to be. Now this isn't an excuse to stay in an unhealthy relationship by saying all relationships require work and effort; what it is, though, is a challenge of this passive phrase that allows people to assume that life will take care of itself yet we can still complain about an unfavorable outcome despite the fact that we didn't put any effort in.

 

The idea of a relationship that's "right" being easy, and effortless, and simple isn't true. Those words are relative. A relationship shouldn't be chaos, and constant clashing, but it will require work, and it will require compromising and thinking of somebody other than yourself. I'm sure there are many people who disagree with me, and some people who will read this and feel like their way of life is being dismantled and attacked. It's not meant to tell you that you are living your life entirely the wrong way, and always have been, but more to challenge a mode of thinking and to show when it might be okay to use it and when it could end up doing harm rather than good. I hope this interests some people, and leads people to reflect on themselves a bit.

My Second Family

This weekend was Pride weekend in many states across the U.S., and for me that was St. Louis, Missouri. Since graduating high school I've taken on a "never hide" outlook, and become much more outwardly representative of who I am and the things that I believe in, be it LGBTQ rights, women's rights, racism, classism, health care, etc. I am proud of this person, but with it has come some anxiety of what connections I might lose in the process. Amazing people that love me very much could still hold beliefs that would alienate us from each other, especially when the things I mentioned typically aren't trivial opinions.

I love a lot of people, but there are few that have the power to hurt me deeply or create a lasting, un-fillable hole in me. There are many people who might disagree with who I am and my opinions, but few whose disagreement I would seriously care about; but it occurred to me, one Christmas celebration how there are some people who mean so much to me that a disagreement in who I am would send the biggest parts of me - my identity and the ones I love - in opposition to each other. A slight anxiety built as gifts were traded and stolen and laughter filled the air and I wondered if this experience would be different if they knew; but, my "never hide" outlook surpasses any fear I could have. My mother instilled a strong sense of "be who you are, no matter what," so I didn't hide.

So I post statuses on Facebook and write about those beliefs, and stand strong in those opinions and the people who matter most to me didn't pause for a second before supporting me. They never fail to "like" a status and reassure me that I am just as much family to them as they are to me.

I have a best friend that is the best person I have ever met, and she comes with a family that is driven by love for each other and support. They are amazing, resilient people who only do good, and over the last six years have opened their arms to me. I love every single one of them, and their support means more to me than I can express. This thank you is long overdue, but I am never quite sure how to express the gratitude I feel. The truest mark of their greatness as individuals is that when they read this, they probably will think that they don't need to be thanked for viewing the world the way that all people should. I am so lucky to be blessed by the constant support of you guys, and I love you.

A Plane with Free Wifi Sparks Reflections About Love

So I will be blogging away. I miss Hanna already - seems crazy right? But it's not. It's not crazy when the purest form of happiness I reach is with her. I do not laugh with the same freedom when I am not with her, so yes, the second I walk out of her arms knowing that I won't be in them again for a while is painful and lonely. This weekend was incredible - short as it was. Our love is reaffirmed in my heart endlessly, and these last few days spoke loudly to the constant re-falling in love that I do over and over again. In the beginning of a relationship you fall fast, and hard. The world spins around you and you pray that the one you love is falling along side of you. Sometimes people think it plateaus - that you reach a certain point when you stabilize and you are madly in love but cannot love each other more than you already do. They're wrong. There are points months, years after the honeymoon period of a relationship when two people fall more in love. I arrived in St. Louis feeling like I could not possibly love this woman any more than I did. I leave loving her even more, and I sit on this plane knowing that weeks, months, and years from now I will likely look back on this time and say I love her so much more then.

The beauty of true love is that you are never done discovering and re-discovering each other. We feel like we know each other so well, like we know everything about each other, from that girl that used to be her best friend when she was thirteen to that time a man creepily stared at her eating her ice cream in a Baskin-Robbins - and we do. We do know each other better than anybody else does, and I'm confident in saying that. We know every corner of each other's hearts, dark or light, hidden or not, and there is nothing in there that makes me turn away from her; but, the magic of our love and relationship is constantly finding out new things we didn't know about each other every day. Whether it's stories we've never heard, memories that have shaped who we are, or people that have come and gone in our lives, part of the ever-burning flame that keeps this love alive is that we are never done knowing each other.

There are so many moments: like reflecting on how much our love has grown since the last time I was in St. Louis, realizing that the last time I was here was the first time I met her brother and nieces and now the kids greet me with hugs and her brother and sister-in-law and parents feel more like family than a shared connection to one person; like watching her laugh hysterically at a comedian during Pridefest, and being frozen by the beauty of her smile and the breathtaking sound of her laugh; like waking up to her arms wrapping around me and feeling that still be the first thing she wants to do when she wakes up after all this time; like still sharing and craving the passion and heat that we did one year ago; and like holding each other close, eyes glued and smiling, kissing between "I will miss you's" and "I love you's," magnets between every finger tip and nerve in our bodies, and being so in love that the airport and cars around us disappears during our goodbye. These moments are just some of what it means to be irrevocably in love, and growingly in love still.

My love for you, Hanna, will never stop growing, and never fade. We have a once in a lifetime love that I am so proud of. I am so proud of you and all that you are - I am so in love with you and all that you all. This relationship never feels old, never "the norm," never to be taken for granted, always to be worked for, and always the only thing I could ever want.

I love you then,

I love you now,

I love you always.

Cleansing.

Well, it's the end of another year at school, which marks my half-way point at college. A lot has changed in these last few years, let alone this year. I have a more definitive path in terms of what I am looking to do after college, and an internship this summer in that field to help solidify where I want to go career-wise. I have been lucky to have had good jobs in the past with very nice, accommodating bosses, but those jobs never truly related to where I saw myself heading. I am very excited to take a step in my career direction this summer, and gear up for what I am anticipating being a rough junior year in academics. I finished this semester with the strongest grades I have had in my college career thus far, and it felt really great to see that my hard work paid off; that late nights, decisions not to procrastinate, throwing myself in to class discussion, and pushing through when I wanted to say "fuck it, this paper is good enough as is," all led to an outcome to be proud of. Hanna and I are also taking steps forward. A year ago we were just beginning our relationship, hopeful to see where it would lead us. Now, we have been together for a year and are engaged, and as she prepares to graduate this weekend and to step foot into the real world, I prepare to look towards that journey, too. I scheduled classes early in the morning with 1 three-hour lecture at night, and a lab during the day on Mondays, and will have a job during the school year next year. Hanna and I will be sharing some expenses, trying to adopt a dog, and balancing our lives. It's not a typical experience, especially for a college student, and I'm sure some would ask why I set such a rigorous schedule for myself instead of enjoying the college freedom, but I am more excited about taking a partial step into the real world to balance the mature relationship that I am so fortunate to have with Hanna than I would be to spend my days doing nothing. I am excited about getting used to living off of our income and controlling our finances. It's going to be tough - I can't pretend that it won't be - but I believe that we are ready, and capable, as I always have believed. All of this being said, I have reached somewhat of a different mindset as I head into this summer.

With all of the changing, growing, maturing, learning, life, and love that these past few years, but this past year in particular, have brought me, I have also had a change of direction mentally: I need less, and I want to get a little more back to my roots. I want to give more and take less. I want to give more to my body by getting back to a consistent exercise and lifting routine, and take less from it by cutting out some of the ridiculously unhealthy things I eat now (I am a Coca-cola addict, for example). I want to give more to the community and others by donating so much of the old clothing that I held on to from high school because I thought that I'd forever cherish each of my 20+ t-shirts with my school name written across the chest; 20 years from now that would be an awesome thing to still have, to show my kids, but I think one or two will do. I want to take less from the environment, and make a greater effort to live without the convenience of certain things at the expense of the Earth beneath me. There are certain things I can't change about myself, and I'm not looking for a complete deconstruction and rebuilding of who I am, but this progression is part of who I am too. I am in need of a cleansing of mind, body, and soul; a process of letting go of the stress that was this past year, of giving back, of taking only what I need, of working for others to better myself, and spreading love.

So once I get myself settled back in here I am going to do a massive, multi-day cleaning out of my room: closets, desk, drawers, everything. I will have a lot of clothing that I will be giving away to those who needs it, and a lot of old "crap" that I'll be throwing out to make room for new things. I will be cleaning out my computer, unclogging it of all of the random things from this past school year and the things that I meant to delete but never did. It's been one hell of a year that I am so thankful for. I have learned so much, and as Hanna and I both move forward into this next chapter together I am taking the good with me, leaving the bad behind, and making a small shift that hopefully helps me maintain that balance.

Looking at Strangers

My feminist philosophy professor challenged our class to fulfill, at least once, what the author of our reading hails as a difficult, anti-instinct way to cultivate compassion within ourselves and others. In honor of Valentine's Day and celebrating love, we must work to look at a stranger the way that somebody who is in love with that person would. Dean Spade, an FTM transgendered author, in his essay For Lovers and Fighters writes,


"Sometimes while I ride the subway I try to look at each person and imagine what they look like to someone who is totally in love with them. I think everyone has had someone look at them that way, whether it was a lover, or a parent, or a friend, whether they know it or not. It’s a wonderful thing, to look at someone to whom I would never be attracted and think about what looking at them feels like to someone who is devouring every part of their image, who has invisible strings that are connected to this person tied to every part of their body."


It's true, that in looking at strangers we are our most critical selves. A person walks on a bus or in a room and the first thing we do is assess what we think of his or her outfit, hairstyle, aura, etc; but what if we were to look a complete stranger, just for a moment, through the eyes of someone who utterly adores him or her? It's an interesting concept, and undoubtedly simultaneously promotes compassion and combats the shallow, competitive hostility that fills our world.

January Morning

It's 11:11 a.m. on a Saturday morning in January and Hanna is snuggled into the space between my neck and my shoulder with her arm and leg draped over me. She's half-awake and absolutely adorable. I am so thankful for her in my life. Since we began I have entered a world where I wake up happy every single day and rest easy by her side (most nights, except when we have to do the long distance thing). It's the beginning of the second semester of her senior year, and with that comes many of the stresses I refused to think about until this time. In the next few months we will find out where she will be next year and how far our 2 years of long distance will be. I must admit, it's scary to think about, especially if she is a flight vs. a drive away. Two years is a long time to have to spend apart when we are so ready to start our lives together now, even though we know there are some things we have to get through first before we can truly begin that next chapter (I have to graduate, she has to establish where she is living and working, etc.). When I think about all that has happened in 2 years, and apply that length of time to a world in which we may only get to see each other every few weeks (which, all things considered, would be amazing), or months, it's scary. I know my love for her will never die, but it will be immeasurably painful to be so far away. My only hope is that somehow she will find a great job opportunity somewhere a few hours away. I wouldn't mind the 4 or 5 hour drive every now and then, just load up on some coffee, food, and good music and it will all be worth it. Above all else, though, I could never imagine enduring two years of long distance to get to the better part of life with anybody else. She is my world, my everything, and I am here to stay no matter where she ends up. I will put everything into making it work and I know she will too, and as long as our love stays strong we will make it. That doesn't diminish how hard it will be to wake up on a Saturday morning without this, but having her in my life regardless of distance makes me happier than I ever thought I could be. She is amazing, and as I told her last night, I think if we never had met I still would have missed her; I would have felt her missing, but I wouldn't have known what it was. For now I'm going to curl back up in bed with her, throw my arms around her, and feel so incredibly lucky to be able to wake up this way.

Anonymous Tumblr Challenge Post #1: How "love at first sight" took some form in my relationship

The first time I saw Hanna I was drawn to everything about her. She has a radiant smile, a talent for making people laugh, and sweetness about her that showed the depth to which she could care about someone. I need to be part of her life in one form or another, and what we thought was an amazing friendship was masking a love waiting to be set on fire. When we finally came forward with how we both felt about each other there was no stopping and no slowing down. I knew she was going to be an important part of my life and I always wanted to be around her. We fell in love faster than we could realize it and have spent every moment since falling farther together. She is my world, my rock, and someone I am so grateful to have in my life. The first time I saw Hanna I had no idea what was about to hit me, but I knew against all fear of loving again that I wanted to love and be loved by her.

There's No Comfort in the Waiting Room

Right now my best friend is almost three hours away in the waiting room of a hospital surrounded by the most loving family I have ever had the privilege to be a part of. I am not related by blood, though I could easily pass as another cousin on her mom's Irish side of the family, but every one of Casey's siblings, parents, cousins, aunts, uncles, and grandparents feel like my own. Just a little over a year ago, tragedy struck when her cousin was killed in a fatal motor cycle accident and I have never been more affected by others' pain as I was by this. I came home from college in the middle of my softball pre-season and told my harsh and anything-but-lenient division 1 coach that I was leaving. "Asking" was never an option. I was not requesting to go home, but informing her that I was going home, because she is my family. I wavered cautiously by Casey that entire weekend trying to balance being the arms for her to fall into and letting her take the space and time she needed. I was incredibly thankful to be welcomed with loving arms to even what are usually "family-only" parts of letting someone go, and my eyes were open to the fragility and beauty that is life. I had met him a few times before but we were never as close as I am with some of Casey's cousins, yet experiencing the pain of so many people that I cared about changed me forever. I wasn't just there for Casey, but also to put my arm around her brother who remained incredibly strong through everything and let the consoling arms hold his sister and mother instead. I was there to hold her younger cousins whom I have become very close to, have stayed at my house, and become family in my parents' eyes as well. It is an indescribably lucky experience to have two families feel like one, and I feel so blessed that Casey and I are at the route of that. During that weekend I saw strength and love in a family unmatched by any measure of the two qualities that I had seen before - in anyone, in anything.

Tonight her cousin Claire is in surgery for a brain tumor, and I simply don't understand what power of nature allows a ten-year-old to go through that. It feels wrong being so far away, and I feel a weird sense of being out of place sitting at home in front of my computer. I feel like where I belong right now is in that waiting room too. She is in some of the best hands this country has to offer, and once again this family's love and strength is overcoming the most trying challenges. I can't imagine sleeping tonight until I hear from her.

This family possesses a bond that I could never find words to describe. They are the most beautiful, loving people, and I can't imagine my life without them. I can't express how fortunate I feel every day, but particularly tonight to call Casey my best friend. She is inspirational, selfless, and the epitome of strength and goodness in my eyes. It's so rare that two people can spend an infinite amount of time together and not get sick of each other, can make themselves completely vulnerable and not feel threatened before each other, can assure each other of unconditional love even at each other's weakest, and can trust without fear of betrayal. I have found that and I will never let it go. Her family is equally amazing and deserves the best that life has to offer, and just as she sees tonight how lucky she is to be part of such a supportive and devoted family, I sit here and feel blessed too. I love you, Case.