A Plane with Free Wifi Sparks Reflections About Love

So I will be blogging away. I miss Hanna already - seems crazy right? But it's not. It's not crazy when the purest form of happiness I reach is with her. I do not laugh with the same freedom when I am not with her, so yes, the second I walk out of her arms knowing that I won't be in them again for a while is painful and lonely. This weekend was incredible - short as it was. Our love is reaffirmed in my heart endlessly, and these last few days spoke loudly to the constant re-falling in love that I do over and over again. In the beginning of a relationship you fall fast, and hard. The world spins around you and you pray that the one you love is falling along side of you. Sometimes people think it plateaus - that you reach a certain point when you stabilize and you are madly in love but cannot love each other more than you already do. They're wrong. There are points months, years after the honeymoon period of a relationship when two people fall more in love. I arrived in St. Louis feeling like I could not possibly love this woman any more than I did. I leave loving her even more, and I sit on this plane knowing that weeks, months, and years from now I will likely look back on this time and say I love her so much more then.

The beauty of true love is that you are never done discovering and re-discovering each other. We feel like we know each other so well, like we know everything about each other, from that girl that used to be her best friend when she was thirteen to that time a man creepily stared at her eating her ice cream in a Baskin-Robbins - and we do. We do know each other better than anybody else does, and I'm confident in saying that. We know every corner of each other's hearts, dark or light, hidden or not, and there is nothing in there that makes me turn away from her; but, the magic of our love and relationship is constantly finding out new things we didn't know about each other every day. Whether it's stories we've never heard, memories that have shaped who we are, or people that have come and gone in our lives, part of the ever-burning flame that keeps this love alive is that we are never done knowing each other.

There are so many moments: like reflecting on how much our love has grown since the last time I was in St. Louis, realizing that the last time I was here was the first time I met her brother and nieces and now the kids greet me with hugs and her brother and sister-in-law and parents feel more like family than a shared connection to one person; like watching her laugh hysterically at a comedian during Pridefest, and being frozen by the beauty of her smile and the breathtaking sound of her laugh; like waking up to her arms wrapping around me and feeling that still be the first thing she wants to do when she wakes up after all this time; like still sharing and craving the passion and heat that we did one year ago; and like holding each other close, eyes glued and smiling, kissing between "I will miss you's" and "I love you's," magnets between every finger tip and nerve in our bodies, and being so in love that the airport and cars around us disappears during our goodbye. These moments are just some of what it means to be irrevocably in love, and growingly in love still.

My love for you, Hanna, will never stop growing, and never fade. We have a once in a lifetime love that I am so proud of. I am so proud of you and all that you are - I am so in love with you and all that you all. This relationship never feels old, never "the norm," never to be taken for granted, always to be worked for, and always the only thing I could ever want.

I love you then,

I love you now,

I love you always.

Full Body Scans at Airports, Why I Refused

These full body security scanners have been added to many airports nationally and pose a serious privacy risk for trans-identified individuals. When going through security individuals are selected at random to be scanned by this machine instead of your typical walk-through security booth. A person has the option to refuse, but if they take this option they must commit to a full body pat down by a member of the same sex. Going through these machines pose a risk of being outed, subject to further security measures, and other issues for a trans person. Binders would be visible, packing could be visible, etc. Not only could a trans-person’s identity be revealed, something that for many is an incredibly person and private piece of them, but they could then be asked to reveal what the binder or packing is, why they use it, etc. We can all agree that this is not okay.

I first encountered on in the Colorado airport over winter break. I wanted to refuse but the security long was incredibly long, others were waiting for pat downs for multiple reasons, and I was running late. I went into the body scanner, cringed at the sense of guilt as a member of the LGBTQQIAA community and strong activist, and continued on my way. Today, in the airport, I had plenty of time because I had to drive somebody else here in time for her flight, which was two hours earlier than mine. I wondered if I would have the chance to refuse, and I wondered if in my anti-conflict heart I preferred to not have the opportunity to refuse because they would direct me to the regular scanner; but, they didn’t. The security man directed me towards the full body scanner and I confidently refused. With a slightly confused look on his face he directed me towards another man who stood next to me in a roped in box that I needed to wait in. A TSA woman came over and asked which bags were mine to she could grab them from the belt for me and I moved in her direction so I could clearly point out which bins were mine on the piled up belt, where I was told in a strict and almost-fearful voice not to move by the man standing next to my little box. She grabbed my stuff and then I was escorted over to another area where she explained how she was going to pat me down and asked whether I would like the pat-down to be done in private. I said I was fine with it done in the public box, she did it, and I was on my way.

I wished she, or somebody, would have asked why I refused the full body scanner. Usually people have a reason other than “I think it’s wrong,” which likely explained the confused and suspicious way everybody treated me. While I completely understand the need for strict, harsh, watchful security in an airport, I was annoyed by the fact that my decision turned what is usually a friendly process for a 20-year-old 5’3” girl in to and experience that made me feel like I was suspected of dangerous activity and going to be on slightly close watch for the day. I think that, above all, was why I wished somebody had asked me why I refused, so I could explain to them that I was just like the countless of innocent people trying to get from one place to another. I wasn’t doing anything suspicious, was not trying to get around and security measures, or hide anything - I was trying to make a point that this system isn’t right, and that I will take a stand for it even if it doesn’t apply to me.  Just because something doesn’t affect you and your life every day doesn’t mean it doesn’t affect you at all. I am a cisgendered bisexual woman and my body scan would have appeared completely “normal” to their standards, but I am not free until all gender-identities are free.