My Second Family

This weekend was Pride weekend in many states across the U.S., and for me that was St. Louis, Missouri. Since graduating high school I've taken on a "never hide" outlook, and become much more outwardly representative of who I am and the things that I believe in, be it LGBTQ rights, women's rights, racism, classism, health care, etc. I am proud of this person, but with it has come some anxiety of what connections I might lose in the process. Amazing people that love me very much could still hold beliefs that would alienate us from each other, especially when the things I mentioned typically aren't trivial opinions.

I love a lot of people, but there are few that have the power to hurt me deeply or create a lasting, un-fillable hole in me. There are many people who might disagree with who I am and my opinions, but few whose disagreement I would seriously care about; but it occurred to me, one Christmas celebration how there are some people who mean so much to me that a disagreement in who I am would send the biggest parts of me - my identity and the ones I love - in opposition to each other. A slight anxiety built as gifts were traded and stolen and laughter filled the air and I wondered if this experience would be different if they knew; but, my "never hide" outlook surpasses any fear I could have. My mother instilled a strong sense of "be who you are, no matter what," so I didn't hide.

So I post statuses on Facebook and write about those beliefs, and stand strong in those opinions and the people who matter most to me didn't pause for a second before supporting me. They never fail to "like" a status and reassure me that I am just as much family to them as they are to me.

I have a best friend that is the best person I have ever met, and she comes with a family that is driven by love for each other and support. They are amazing, resilient people who only do good, and over the last six years have opened their arms to me. I love every single one of them, and their support means more to me than I can express. This thank you is long overdue, but I am never quite sure how to express the gratitude I feel. The truest mark of their greatness as individuals is that when they read this, they probably will think that they don't need to be thanked for viewing the world the way that all people should. I am so lucky to be blessed by the constant support of you guys, and I love you.

A Plane with Free Wifi Sparks Reflections About Love

So I will be blogging away. I miss Hanna already - seems crazy right? But it's not. It's not crazy when the purest form of happiness I reach is with her. I do not laugh with the same freedom when I am not with her, so yes, the second I walk out of her arms knowing that I won't be in them again for a while is painful and lonely. This weekend was incredible - short as it was. Our love is reaffirmed in my heart endlessly, and these last few days spoke loudly to the constant re-falling in love that I do over and over again. In the beginning of a relationship you fall fast, and hard. The world spins around you and you pray that the one you love is falling along side of you. Sometimes people think it plateaus - that you reach a certain point when you stabilize and you are madly in love but cannot love each other more than you already do. They're wrong. There are points months, years after the honeymoon period of a relationship when two people fall more in love. I arrived in St. Louis feeling like I could not possibly love this woman any more than I did. I leave loving her even more, and I sit on this plane knowing that weeks, months, and years from now I will likely look back on this time and say I love her so much more then.

The beauty of true love is that you are never done discovering and re-discovering each other. We feel like we know each other so well, like we know everything about each other, from that girl that used to be her best friend when she was thirteen to that time a man creepily stared at her eating her ice cream in a Baskin-Robbins - and we do. We do know each other better than anybody else does, and I'm confident in saying that. We know every corner of each other's hearts, dark or light, hidden or not, and there is nothing in there that makes me turn away from her; but, the magic of our love and relationship is constantly finding out new things we didn't know about each other every day. Whether it's stories we've never heard, memories that have shaped who we are, or people that have come and gone in our lives, part of the ever-burning flame that keeps this love alive is that we are never done knowing each other.

There are so many moments: like reflecting on how much our love has grown since the last time I was in St. Louis, realizing that the last time I was here was the first time I met her brother and nieces and now the kids greet me with hugs and her brother and sister-in-law and parents feel more like family than a shared connection to one person; like watching her laugh hysterically at a comedian during Pridefest, and being frozen by the beauty of her smile and the breathtaking sound of her laugh; like waking up to her arms wrapping around me and feeling that still be the first thing she wants to do when she wakes up after all this time; like still sharing and craving the passion and heat that we did one year ago; and like holding each other close, eyes glued and smiling, kissing between "I will miss you's" and "I love you's," magnets between every finger tip and nerve in our bodies, and being so in love that the airport and cars around us disappears during our goodbye. These moments are just some of what it means to be irrevocably in love, and growingly in love still.

My love for you, Hanna, will never stop growing, and never fade. We have a once in a lifetime love that I am so proud of. I am so proud of you and all that you are - I am so in love with you and all that you all. This relationship never feels old, never "the norm," never to be taken for granted, always to be worked for, and always the only thing I could ever want.

I love you then,

I love you now,

I love you always.